I want to scream, to cry, to throw things, to stab a b*tch. 

 

Kyle and I decided to get married on Friday, that morning my roommate had sent me photo’s of his screen of a girl from work sending him things such as “I still smell like you” “Do I get to see you tonight?” “I lovers you”.

I was so torn between getting upset and yelling at him, or just ignoring it. I just showed him the photo and asked him to explain.  To be honest I didn’t believe he was telling me the truth.  I didn’t think he was necessarily lying either. I accepted it as it was, he has slept with her before he and and I were together. She was crazy. I asked him to cut her off and he did without argument.  I made him take a picture of our rings and send them to her and tell her he’s done.

So why the f*ck did this b*tch show up at work today and tell management that she’s pregnant and it’s his. I am so angry.  At her, at him, at myself. I love this man, it’s why I let myself believe him. I keep trying to tell myself she’s crazy and lying. But I don’t know if I believe it. I’m so angry that she gets a baby before me. I’m angry that she is trying to rip us apart. I’m angry that three days ago,  I didn’t have this stress in my life. I tried so hard to be calm when he told me. I even let him know that if she is, we as in he and I, will help her. He told her this and she flipped sh*t. She kept going on about how I have nothing to do with this, it’s her baby. And she’s right.

He keeps telling me that I’m the one he chose, I’m the one he gave his life to, I’m the one he loves. But I can’t help but feel like I made a mistake. I can’t help but regretting rushing into this. I love being his wife, I love the idea of being with him forever. But I can’t get the word divorce out of my head. I can’t stand the utter loneliness I feel right now. It hurts so much.

I sent him over to her house, with one of my pregnancy test. I’m terrified of it being positive. I haven’t wanted to drink in months, but all  I want right now is a very big glass the whole bottle of wine.

I know marriage isn’t easy. I had no idea I’d consider divorce within the first three days.

Super Moody.

I don’t know why I’m so sad today. All I can do is cry, about everything. I wrote a letter for Kyle to keep with him while he’s gone. Then I started thinking about his friend from work, and how she’s always texting him, and how he had to give his ex a ride home today because her car broke, and how I know he’s going to make new friends, some female, at his new job, I just became overwhelmed with so much jealousy. I’m not a jealous person, I trust him. I guess it’s stress, because I started bawling my eyes out. My heart feels so heavy, and so sad. Yet I have no reason to be. Then out of nowhere I’ll feel better, like the sadness floated away.

I don’t know what this is. Part of me knows it’s probably just PMS, the other part hopes that it’s pregnancy symptoms(to clarify, we started “trying:” yesterday, but the past month we haven’t used birth control). I hate dealing with not knowing. I want so baldy for my feeling to be because of a baby, but I refuse to let myself think it is, I don’t want to be sad when it’s not.

Disney, Marriage, and Babies.

Today marked a milestone that will affect the rest of my life as I know it. I’ve agreed to get married before the end of 2015, and we’ve decided we want to start a family now. Now, before he moves away for a few months to work with Disney. I realize that I’ve set myself up for one ultra crazy, unpredictable roller coaster. But, roller coasters are exciting, and they’re always fun in the end.

We officially, “tried” to make a baby today. Even though we haven’t used protection in the past month, today we consciously, attempted to get pregnant. I know there is only a 10% chance of it actually working today, but I can’t stop myself from hoping. I went into super obsessive mode and made a huge amazon wish list. And started looking into houses to buy, and cars to buy, and decided on names. And I feel like a crazy person for going so deep into it. I just really, really, really, want a baby, and I can’t stop this.

I’m going to try and keep my composure and not actually start buying things, or over thinking anything. But this overwhelming desire I have is almost too much to control.

My life, My family.

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