Super Moody.

I don’t know why I’m so sad today. All I can do is cry, about everything. I wrote a letter for Kyle to keep with him while he’s gone. Then I started thinking about his friend from work, and how she’s always texting him, and how he had to give his ex a ride home today because her car broke, and how I know he’s going to make new friends, some female, at his new job, I just became overwhelmed with so much jealousy. I’m not a jealous person, I trust him. I guess it’s stress, because I started bawling my eyes out. My heart feels so heavy, and so sad. Yet I have no reason to be. Then out of nowhere I’ll feel better, like the sadness floated away.

I don’t know what this is. Part of me knows it’s probably just PMS, the other part hopes that it’s pregnancy symptoms(to clarify, we started “trying:” yesterday, but the past month we haven’t used birth control). I hate dealing with not knowing. I want so baldy for my feeling to be because of a baby, but I refuse to let myself think it is, I don’t want to be sad when it’s not.

Disney, Marriage, and Babies.

Today marked a milestone that will affect the rest of my life as I know it. I’ve agreed to get married before the end of 2015, and we’ve decided we want to start a family now. Now, before he moves away for a few months to work with Disney. I realize that I’ve set myself up for one ultra crazy, unpredictable roller coaster. But, roller coasters are exciting, and they’re always fun in the end.

We officially, “tried” to make a baby today. Even though we haven’t used protection in the past month, today we consciously, attempted to get pregnant. I know there is only a 10% chance of it actually working today, but I can’t stop myself from hoping. I went into super obsessive mode and made a huge amazon wish list. And started looking into houses to buy, and cars to buy, and decided on names. And I feel like a crazy person for going so deep into it. I just really, really, really, want a baby, and I can’t stop this.

I’m going to try and keep my composure and not actually start buying things, or over thinking anything. But this overwhelming desire I have is almost too much to control.